Since last October, I started attending classes on ballroomdancing after high recommendations of my friends. Unfortunately the season started a month earlier, meaning that pairs had already been formed and I was stuck with the "leftovers".

Although it may be a bit early to even form an opinion about dancing, I AM OBSESSED! I truly love it and am planning to continue dancing until they put a restriction order on my legs! Thing is though that during dancing class, my partner does variants from the English Waltz in the Tango, variants from the Quickstep in the English Waltz, he forgets his moves while we're dancing and worst of all: I lead and have to correct him all the time...

I already wanted to change partners before the end of the season, but thought that it would be inconsiderate of me to dump him and I told myself to wait. Now the end is approaching and I feel awful telling him the news: he's a really nice person, the only thing that annoys me about him is that I'm more ambitious than he is.

I don't have a parnter for next season yet, but I don't want to continue dancing like this because I always feel it is *my* fault it's not going as smooth as it *should* be... Should I dump him? And if yes: how do I tell him nicely without hurting his feelings as much?

Thanks Fred for replying on my "call for help"! And yes, you are right: I shouldn't be the one leading, because that won't do either me or my partner any good. Thing is: for months I have gradually letting him take control, but we end up smashed against the wall every time I try to give in too much... I do not claim to be a wonderful dancer, but fact is that I'm able to dance with a lot of different people, while he is completely adjusted to *me*!

Both me and my partner are beginners: we started taking the course at the same time but made progress in two different speeds, I think that is the best way to describe it. While I (try to) put something extra to it, he is still trying to memorize his steps. Please don't get me wrong, because we do have a good time whenever we're in class (since we're always joking around) and I do believe that both of us are comfortable with eachother, but I'm afraid that eventually it will end up making him feel UNcomfortable about his own progress (compared to mine) and me feeling neglected towards my own abilities.

There is a severe lack of males in our danceschool, so the females are not allowed to have several partners, while the males are. Problem is though, that my partner refuses to have another dancepartner because that would mean he would have to dance a lot more than "strictly necessary"... I thought it would help him by dancing with different people so that he won't be adjusted as much, but he is not motivated to do so.

I do want to give him another chance, but I don't want to neglect myself either. It's still three more weeks before our exam and with that the end of the season. I honestly have been thinking about this issue for months and came to the same conclusions, which was dumping him. However, I do want to make the right decision, because he doesn't deserve to be treated this way.

Although my arguments for dumping him don't seem to be justified at all, I figured that if this will continue to be the source of (any) irritation, it could lead to a fight and that's the last thing I want to happen.

Thanks again for replying on my post!

Kindest regards,

Michelle

Michelle--

I agree with Fred, but only for starters. As you have only just begun dancing together perhaps it would help you both to sit down and talk about where you would like dancing to be in your future. Like all relationships it is important that you have a similar goal in mind. Perhaps he only wishes to be a social dancer, and you have grander things planned? In this case he will probably have a better understanding of why you may wish to pursue another partnership. Also, some people are just not meant to be partners. I am in the US and have frequently found that the standard that I wish to dance to takes more effort than many people want to give. We danced well together and had a good time but I was often frustrated by their lack of intensity and "ambition" as you put it. Partnerships can be fleeting or longterm, you shouldn't be so guilty over it. If you are genuinely uncomfortable with the dynamics of your current situation then you should at least dance with another partner as well as your current lead. You must make the most of your own potential at any rate. But, beware...nice guys, with whom one can joke and enjoy time with, AND dance with, don't grow on trees ya know! Don't _dump_ him, just discuss what you are feeling with him, and maybe make a change then...it's hard to hide anything while your dancing...I'll bet he knows what you are thinking already.

No, I should never dump my partner for that reason. A leftover doesn't have to be a bad dancer. I don't know your level, but I understand that you have just started dancing. Correct me if I'm wrong. Give him a chance. Starting can be difficult. Perhaps he has never danced before. Give him some more time. A few tips from my experience:

As a lady you should never lead. Let him make mistakes. He will learn from it. If you let him lead, he will learn to lead.

Don't be afraid to make mistakes. I have made a lot of mistakes, but I have also learned a lot. Now it's really fun to dance.

Don't get angry. Make him feel comfortable. If you are nervous, you will probably dance very bad. Give him self-confidence and have fun. His dancing will be improved. You wrote that he's a friendly person. So, why drop him.

By the way, you can use a lot of routines for more dances. You also don't have to dance like you've learned. It is very nice to make your own combinations.

Ofcourse I don't know him so I can't tell if he's a good or a bad dancer.

Why don't you dance with more partners? One for the fun and one for the very difficult routines. I am also Dutch, but I'm a very happy dancer. I have three dance partners with different levels. It is great and I learn a lot.

Kind regards,

Fred
fghb@xs4all.nl
http://www.xs4all.nl/~fghb/ballroom.htm
http://www.dansblad.nl

I think you should discuss exactly want you want from the partnership with your partner before looking for someone else.
My partner and I covered these things before we agreed to practice together. We decided on styles, characteristics of the dances, what types of latin movement or rythm changes are and aren't acceptable. I think some of her flirtatious behavior in swing is vulgar I told her so and she practices that dance with someone else. We have also have agreed to have any disagreements about proper lead follow technique settled by a particular person who we both admire.
If you feel you can't practice your best with this partner perhaps you can at least practice
maintaining partner agreements. If he doesn't listen, he is not as nice as you say he is and he should find someone else.

First of all thanks to everyone who replied!

Unfortunately I don't have the privelege to dance with multiple partners. The only time when I dance with other people, is at dance evenings when my partner calls in sick. We did talk about how we want dancing to be though, and we both agreed that he would learn how to lead before our last dance exam (we have two every season), but until this day it hasn't changed... Maybe I won't let him, or maybe he is comfortable with the way things are or maybe he wants to but doesn't know how... Either way, I think that if he really wanted to he would be swaying me around the floor already...

Although I tried dragging him to dance evenings to practice, he always turned me down and said he never has time on Saturdays (which is when any dance evening is held). Don't get me wrong: I am not blaming him for the fact that he is learning slower, I am only wondering if I can continue dancing with him they way it goes now.

I agree that parterships in dancing are more business-like. I also know that you have to make compromises in any relationship, but I personally think that slowing down is the same thing as neglecting myself. That can't be healthy!

Thanks again for all your replies!

Michelle

"Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero." - Horace

I think you have to talk a lot with your partner. You can't blame him for the fact that he is learning slower, but I think that he has to try to improve his dancing if he wants to continue dancing with you. If he really wants, it will work out. Write down steps at home, practice at dance evenings etc. And you have to slow down a little. So you have to take a step back and he has to take a step forward (well, that's very normal while dancing).
And yes, if he really is not motivated then you should find yourself another partner.

To Sri.....

I know it sounds a bit strange to have three dance partners and I also know that it is often very difficult to find a dance partner. I had a lot of trouble finding a dance partner when I first came into the dance school. However, if you are on a "higher" level, there are always women at a lower level that don't have a partner. A lot of people know that I like dancing very much (perhaps because of my website and magazine) and sometimes they ask me. My dance partner for my own dance level also dances with a lot of other dancers. She is at a higher level then I am. I also dance with my sister, because her partner always came to late and he was not motivated. And now since several months I dance with another woman. In our dance school it is very normal to dance with more than just one partner, it's called helping. I like it a lot to dance with more women, because you can really learn to lead. And yes, I'm a lucky dog

Fred
fghb@xs4all.nl
http://www.xs4all.nl/~fghb/ballroom.htm
http://www.dansblad.nl

Oh goodness..!! First to Fred... Three partners!! You dog!!! You lucky, lucky dog!!! I sound incredulous because I am. It seems hard enough finding one good partner around these parts sometimes.. - no offense intended to whomever from "these parts" might read this posting..

And to Michelle... May be you should move to "these parts". More women dancers than men!!! Darn, that would be one of my dreams come true..

Okay, now to address the chief question. In my view, I don't see why you should treat this like any other relationship. Dancing partnerships are relationships indeed, but they are primarily just business partnerships. There is no need to feel guilty if you don't believe he is right for you. You spend your time and hard-earned money to indulge your passion and ambition, and there is no need to remain unrequitted and unfulfilled for the sake of propriety and social etiquette. Just dump him >. However, do it nicely and without acrimony. He may learn to lead before long and become a prized catch, and you do want to keep from burning all of your bridges, ey.

Say Joe, is my spelling all right??

Sri